Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I intend to get homeless drunk
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
