mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
