just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Welp...herpes.
Sober January is a disaster.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
