I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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