Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
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I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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