I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
