I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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