I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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