Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
