I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
