I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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