Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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