my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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