My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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