i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
