Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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