I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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