my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
this boner is exhausting
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
