The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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