I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
