I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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