I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
