I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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