I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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