I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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