So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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