we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
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