let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
