just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
