I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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