That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
