I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
