can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
