she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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