You're a womanizer and a bitch.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
