Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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