The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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