sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
