I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
