I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
not ubering you a puppy
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
