Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
