I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He keeps bees of course he's weird
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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