She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Someone shattered a urinal.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
