This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
