Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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