Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize