Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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