I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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