I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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