i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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