Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
