if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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