I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
