its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
