Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
home. puking in laundry basket.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
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There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
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Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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