Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
