Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
