I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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